The Art of Mental Shifting
by D.M.P
Summary: One of my strangest stories, to say the least. Post GoF, Sirius searches for Remus in London... and discovers more than what he expects...


Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, therefore I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters.

Author's Note: My pathetic attempt at HP humor. Actually, I'm not even sure _what_ this is. All I can guess that it's very.... odd.... 

THE ART OF MENTAL SHIFTING

by D.M.P.

Sirius Black prowled the West End of London. He was on high alert; he was on the move. Darting underneath doorways, constantly getting thrown out of those said doorways by the building owners, then trying to find some other overhang to duck under and getting thrown out again....

_Crash...!_ The thunder rumbled.

He was also soaking wet.

" 'Get the old gang,' Dumbledore said. 'Wait at Lupin's until I contact you,' Dumbledore said," Sirius mumbled to himself. Overhead, the thunderstorm poured down upon him. 

"Well, that would be all fine and dandy, Dumbledore, if I only knew where ol' Moony disappeared off to!" The streets were beginning to flood, and Black kicked a stray can into the moving current alongside him. 

Voldemort had risen again, and Dumbledore had instructed Sirius to retrieve several people - alumni from Hogwarts, diplomats, and other useful folk to help fight in the upcoming battle. Sirius had an easy time tracking them down. Everyone except Remus Lupin. Surprisingly enough, his best friend couldn't be found anywhere. Last Sirius checked, he held a residence somewhere at the West End. The apartment was still there, but Remus wasn't. And along with Lupin, disappeared Sirius' chance of getting a nice roof over his head. How odd, one would think, that a convicted murderer from Azkaban couldn't even break into a Muggle apartment complex...

A patrol car drove along and Black ducked alongside a building wall. Was it nice to mention that the London coppers were after him for his feeble attempt at breaking and entering?

_Crash..!_

Another fork of lightning blasted through the sky as the deluge of rain continued. He shivered in his Muggle clothing, which consisted of black jeans and a white T-shirt with a patched leather jacket. Not only was it wet, but it was freezing. Ah, the joys of London weather. 

_Plop, plop, plop..._ He looked up as a drop of water trickled down the building overhang and landed with a _plop!_ right between the eyes. Bloody rain! Sirius was sick of this entire thing! "Okay, I can't spend all not out here looking for him," he reasoned with himself. "Better get some decent shelter before I drive myself mad..."

Shielding his eyes with a hand, he peered through the rain. The weather had caused the outline of the surrounding buildings to appear fuzzy and indefinite. However, he noticed that he stood next to an entrance at the side of the building. In fact, the door was slightly ajar.

_I'll just creep in here until the storm breaks,_ he thought and slipped inside.

"Halt!" a commanding voice called.

Sirius froze and immediately turned around, but someone grabbed him by the shoulder.

"You a fellow were?" a man asked him. He had bright red hair and a bread, with a smile slightly too large to look real plastered on his face.

"Where?" Sirius said blankly. He looked around. The room was dark and lit by many tea candles. Several people were sitting in a circle, wearing dark-colored robes. In the background, some rambunctious barking was heard. The pungent smell was in the air, coming from burning incense. 

"A were, a shape-shifter," the man pressed.

"An Animagus?" Black suggested.

The man clapped Sirius' back, resulting with him nearly falling over. "Did you hear that?" the man said loudly to the others. "He's one of us!"

"Us?"

"Sit down, sit down." The man pushed Sirius down into a spot near the front. "We always welcome new members!"

"Members?" The incense was distracting him and Black couldn't focus on what he was saying.

"The London's Charter Regional of Animal Phenotypes!" the man explained loudly. He seemed to say everything in a rather loud tone. "I'm Cody, the President of this organization."

Sirius had no idea that there were this many Animagi in London. They must all be registered Animagi too - something he wasn't. "Um.." he stared awkwardly.

"So," Cody said, all smiles, "What kind of a were are ya?"

"What?"

"I'm a M-shifter myself, but then again, I've only met one honest-to-God P-shifter."

Before Sirius could ask what the heck he was talking about, a blonde woman dressed in bright red robes burst into the room. She smelled like she hadn't had a decent bath in weeks, and there was a disturbingly vague look in her eyes. Staring at the two from all fours, she grinned at them stupidly with her tongue lolling out. Then she started jumping on all the other members, barking wildly and licking people on the face. A little silver bell was hung around her neck, and it sounded as she moved about. _Ding ding._

"Dear God, what is wrong with that woman??" Sirius exclaimed, aghast.

"Why, meet my sister, C.R.A.P.'s best mental shifter," Cody patted the woman on the head and grinned proudly. "Her name's Cassidy. She's been in her wolf form for almost three months now."

"You gotta be real proud of Cassidy," another lady exclaimed in a high, airy voice. "She's a lycanthrope M-shifter. Mighty good one too."

Cassidy sat herself at Black's feet and stared up at him. He realized that these people were not the wizards he thought them to be. Muggles, and very odd ones at that. Sirius waved a hand over her eyes. "When you say 'mental shifting,'" he said slowly, "what exactly do you mean?" 

A limited response came from Cassidy. She blinked.

"Come here, girl, come here!" Cody commanded, slapping his thighs. The woman snapped back to attention and turned to Cody, her tongue still hanging out of her mouth. 

The C.R.A.P. President waved a chew toy in front of the woman. "There you go," he cheered. "Now, catch!" He threw the bone out of the room and Cassidy, still bounding on hand and knees, raced out. Cody crossed his arms and chuckled. "A real M-shifter that one."

"Okay..." Sirius rose to his feet and backed towards the door. "I think I might be leaving now..."  
"But wait!" Cody blocked the door and several members stood up. "You didn't perform for us yet!"

"Perform?"

"Your ability!" another man said. "You have to show us your skill if you want to join us."

"Who said I wanted to join you?" Sirius protested, but Cody was leading him back to the circle. 

"I know you might be shy," Cody said in that overly-friendly voice that was starting to get on Black's nerves, "so I'll have some others do theirs first."

The woman with the airy voice shot up her hand. "Ohh, ohh, ohh. May I demonstrate?" she pleaded.

"If you must." Cody waved a hand, and the woman got up. 

"I'm Daisy," she introduced brightly, jumping to her feet. "A average-class M-shifter." 

_Why does anyone have a name that ends in 'y'?_ Sirius thought wonderingly.

Daisy grin faded and she suddenly went rigid. "I- am-" she gasped dramatically, "the chicken." She gently began waving her arms in the air. "I- feel- the- spirit- rise. I am- becoming... smaller. Smaller. _Smaller........_ The wings- they are- growing..." Daisy twisted her head to the side and began sinking onto her knees. Her arms folded up and that same disturbingly vague look that was on Cassidy's face was in her eyes. "I am- strong. I can- flyyyy...." 

She flapped her arms and began to sway side to side. Sirius saw that most of the other members were swaying with her, holding hands. He pondered whether they needed serious medical attention, or was it because of those odd fumes in the room.

"I am- I am- I am..... Baw-kak!" She banged her nose against the ground and began pecking at the concrete, squawking loudly.

Cody clapped his hands. "Wonderful, Daisy, wonderful!" he cheered as Daisy began strutting around the room. "Perfect!"

Cassidy then raced back into the room and spotted Daisy. The chicken-girl clucked loudly, and Cassidy started to chase her around the room. 

In the meantime, Black was slowly inching toward the door. One of the members spotted him and locked it.

Cody had his hands behind his back and was rocking on his feet. "You put an insult upon us! We, too, have our pride!" Cody's smile began to look a bit satanic. "Please, my good fellow, demonstrate your talent. Unless you were fooling us all along." 

"Um..." In times like these, Sirius wished he still had his wand. If only the Ministry didn't take it away...!

"We could bring out our very own P-shifter to show you how it's done," Cody said. "He joined us about a couple weeks ago."

"P-Shifter?" Black feared what the exact definition of a P-shifter was.

"Get him out, will ya?" Cody called over his shoulder.

Two C.R.A.P. members left the room. Several muffled shouts were heard, and they dragged in a man dressed in shabby clothing, bound and gagged. The man was roughly thrown on the floor. He appeared to be unconscious.

"Remus??" Sirius gasped.

Lupin's eyes fluttered open, and he spluttered something through his gag. Cassidy cocked her head over to him and dropped her chase with the chicken-girl, crawling over to him to give a wet lick across the top of his head.

"Yes, found him in his wolf form wandering around town last month," Cody grinned. "Let the fellow join our organization, but for some reason he can't shift for us again."

"You call this joining??" Black exclaimed. He pulled the gag off Remus. "Speak, Rem!"

"Ugh..." Lupin lolled his head forward and looked up at Sirius with dazed eyes. He then focused on Cassidy. His left eye began to twitch quite violently and he screamed. "GET HER AWAY FROM ME!"

Cassidy barked and Black pulled her off of him.

Lupin was shaking, his twitch becoming even more noticeable. "I've been locked up for the past two weeks with... _herrrr_..." He nodded toward Cassidy, who had taken a sudden interest in her backside and was running herself into circles. "I can't take it anymore!!" 

"Well, we have to group lycanthropes, together, don't we?" Cody leaned down and patted the convulsing Lupin on the head. "And I figured you could have taught her a few things."

"Sirius," Remus said in an unusually high voice, "get me out of this hell hole."

"Right-o." Sirius addressed Cody coolly. Muggles and their New Age methods. He didn't take Cody seriously. "You heard the wolf-boy. We really must be going." He hauled Lupin up and proceeded to untie him. However, he soon found several members holding him back and roughly restraining him with a long coil of rope.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk." Cody narrowed his eyes at them. "Try and take advantage of us, are you?" He jerked Sirius up by his coat lapels and growled in a deeper voice than usual. "Trying to learn our shifting secrets???"

Cassidy snuggled up against Lupin and began sniffing his hair. The little bell around her neck rung out. _ Ding ding._ Remus abruptly stopped twitching and his eyes seemed to glaze over. 

Cody let Black go. "Look! He's starting to mental shift!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"Remus..?" Sirius called out worriedly. "Are you o-?" A gag was roughly put into his mouth, cutting off his speech.

On the floor, Lupin stopped breathing. He seemed frozen for a few moments, then slowly turned his head towards Cassidy, wearing a wide, blank stare on his face. "Arf," he said in a monotone voice.

"Beer Gawd!" Sirius muffled out, eyes wide.

Cody clapped his hands together. "I knew he could do it!"

Cassidy seemed to take this rather well and curled up into a ball next to Lupin. Remus, still tied up, whimpered in a small voice. "Arf, arf..." He looked pitifully over at Cody.

"You know," Cody grinned. "Our little Cassidy's starting to go into heat the past few days..."

Sirius said something unspeakable through his gag, and Lupin whined and tried to move away from the wolf-girl. 

"We could start a little family here at the Regional!" Cody declared. "What jolly good fun!" 

Lupin began howling plaintively. Cassidy yipped enthusiastically. Sirius began to feel psychologically disturbed, and his left eye began to twitch. The incense fumes were starting to get to him.

It was time to act.

"Roooaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

Cody looked up. "What?!" 

A large black dog disentangled himself from the ropes, and started snapping at the people around him ferociously. Most scattered on contact, but he didn't seem to be aiming toward them. Black growled and broke away from the surrounding M-shifters. He leaped up and pinned Cody down on the ground. His canine jaws were at the man's throat.

Murmurs traveled throughout the crowd as the action took place.

"The guy transformed!"

"He really _is_ a P-shifter!"

"We must learn the secret for ourselves!" a member shouted fanatically. "Get him!" Sirius gave an inquisitive growl as the group mobbed him.

Meanwhile, Lupin was desperately trying to get out of Cassidy's paws- er, hands. He barked defensively as she tried to draw near, then got onto his stomach and started slinking away. She only smiled and crawled up to him. But instead of giving him a doggy-friendly lick, she untied him. 

Remus blinked in wolf confusion. "Rowf?" he asked, getting to his hands and knees. He loped across the room to where Daisy was preening her robes. Lupin licked his lips and crouched down into a predatory position.

Daisy jerked her head up. "Cluck?" 

"Roooowwwlll!" Lupin attacked.

"Baw-KAK!"

At the same time, Sirius stared at the other mental shifters that had ganged up upon him. However, despite their numbers, none of them were attacking. Instead, they all stood rigidly still. Then, quite unexpectedly, one of them bellowed.

"Moooooooooo..."

_Uh?_ Sirius thought. 

"We shall use the power of the mind to transform!" one of them cackled. "We shall be omnipotent in our mental strength! Mwahahahaha-" 

_Thump._

He collapsed. Getting up, he glanced at his surroundings and began licking the back of his hand. "Mew."

As most of them shifted, other sounds of animals filled the air.

"Oink oink."

"Hisssssssss..."

"Eeeee Eeeeeee Eeeeee!"

A rather stout man limbered back and forth, screeching like a monkey. Lupin zoomed between his legs while chasing Daisy and the man straddled him and began picking through his hair. Daisy bobbed her head at her pursuer, peering back and forth cautiously then darting away. "Cluck cluck!"

Sirius stood in the middle of the room in his dog form, watching several people groom themselves, make noises, or stare off into space. _Oh, what challenge,_ he thought sarcastically.

"Neighhhh!!" A sprightly woman trotted up to him and kicked out her fists, flailing out. Sirius easily moved out of the way and barked. Frightened, she trotted off.

"Grrrrrr........" Sirius turned around to see a towering hunk, squatting on all fours. A bear, telling by his stance. Whipping a ham fist out, the man caught Sirius in the jowls, throwing him across the room. He slammed against the wall and groggily came to his paws. The bear-man roared and charged at him.

Cassidy made her way up to Lupin and nudged the groomer away. The stout man picked up a bit of lint from Remus' hair and chitted delightfully, going off to share his find with kangaroo-boy and a lady stork. Lupin got up, and looked at her quizzically. "Rowl?"

Cassidy smiled demurely and did a very un-lupine thing; she wrapped her arms around him and planted a passionate kiss on his lips.

Remus gave a jolt, breaking out of his mental shift. "Good God woman!" he jumped back. Putting a hand to his forehead, he stared at her unbelievingly. Cassidy gave a suggestive growl, a hopeful gleam in her eyes.

Unsteadily getting back to his feet, he raised his hands up in defense. "Whoa girl," he said. "Stay back."

Cassidy gave a joyful howl and bounded forward. Lupin quickly dodged her and jumped into the on-going melee.

"Roowwff! Rowwff!" Sirius bit the man's hand as he kicked out at his stomach. Twisting around, he then sink his teeth into him again, driving him back. 

"Baw-kak!" Daisy the chicken-girl bumped into Black and began pecking his back with her nose. Sirius brandished his jaws at her and she fled at top speed, squawking in distress. 

Behind his back, approached another man with a length of wood in his hand. Someone smart enough not to shift. Sirius looked up to see the two-by-four come smashing down.

_Whamp!_

Sirius saw Lupin dive at the attacker from behind, giving a swift blow to the head. Grabbing the lumber, he slammed it on the Muggle's head and the man fell senseless.

Black gave a startled look at his changed friend, but Lupin just ordered, "Get the door!" Sirius nodded and struggled to get out of the crowding mental shifters, nipping and kicking his way free.

"Halt there!" Cody called out. A sound of a gunshot echoed and the commotion died. Most of the mentally shifted either cowered in a corner or fled. 

Cody was standing at the front of the room, his hands wrapped around a rifle. He cocked the weapon and aimed it at Sirius and Remus. His exaggerated smile was long gone from his face, replaced by a grim yet feral look. "Aren't you staying to teach us a bit of physical shifting?" he asked in a low voice. 

Cassidy rubbed her head against Lupin's leg. "Um, define physical shifting..." he said nervously, peeling her off.

Sirius took a step forward, and Cody immediately pointed the gun at him. "Don't even think about it, Animagus."

Black exchanged glances with Lupin and they both nodded. "What do you want?" Remus asked.

"Teach me how to become what you are," Cody demanded, "and I might go easily on you."

"What, and abandoning the power of the mind?" Lupin quipped. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"God, you know the organization's crap." The cult leader smiled. "I just recruit these fools to pay the bills. You wouldn't know how much they'll pay for cheap hypnosis tricks. I want _real_ magic, or whatever you have."

"And what if we don't?" Remus asked casually.

Cody smiled. "I have my ways." He took out a little silver bell from his pocket. "Remember this?"

Lupin gave a confused expression. "What?"

_Ding ding._

He froze and automatically fell to his knees. Sirius backed away uncertainly. That glazed look came over Remus' eyes as he got down on all fours. Cody snapped his fingers. Lupin barked.

"Good wolfie." Cody smiled. He pointed toward Sirius. Lupin turned to face him obediently. "Attack."

"Grrrrr..." Lupin leaned back into his predatory position. Sirius blinked in surprise. He couldn't fight Remus, not when he was in this state! Lupin wasn't a wolf, but he certainly didn't act like a sane man.

Lupin pounced upon the Sirius, but he jumped back, quickly reverting back into his human self. 

"Rowf! Rowf!" Lupin woofed, jumping up and trying to claw Sirius with curved fingers. Sirius refrained, however, and grabbed his friend's wrists together, trying to restrain him. Lupin stood up to his full height, trying to get a Black's face with his teeth.

"Snap out of it!" Sirius exclaimed. He let Remus go and quickly slapped him across the face. "For goodness sakes!" 

Remus fell upon his hands and knees again then latched onto Sirius' leg, leaning his head down and biting into it.

"OW!" Black kicked out in instant reaction and hit Lupin in the side. He wretched Remus off his leg and threw him back, trying best not to hurt him. Lupin only rebounded and advanced again.

"Hold it, Remus!" Black commanded in his most authoritative tone, slowly backing away. But Lupin continued to come towards him, a angry snarl escaping from his lips. Cody laughed and flourished his rifle. 

"Nice trick there, eh?" he said. He whistled and Lupin perked up his head. "Here boy," Cody commanded and Remus humbly came to the Muggle's side. 

"I'll make you an offer," he told Sirius. "Make me into an Animagus like yourself and I'll bring your friend here back to normal. What do you say?" He ended his proposition with a winning smile that irked Sirius beyond explanation.

Teach a Muggle wizardry? Impossible! Especially since Sirius knew he didn't have the correct ingredients for this type of magic, nor his wand to help conduct it. Yet Sirius looked down at Remus, who gazed up at him through mesmerized eyes.

"If I show you, will you promise to let him go?" Sirius asked tensely.

Cody shrugged. "If you keep your part of the bargain, we'll see," he said vaguely.

All the while, Cassidy sat upon her knees, staring from one party to the other. She whined aloud, calling for Cody's attention. Cody raised a hand in silence. "Quiet, girl," he ordered. Cassidy glared at him.

Sirius was at a stalemate. This Cody character couldn't possibly know of the world of wizardry that he and Lupin here involved in; he was probably just some New Age charlatan who knew a bit about hypnotism. Yet how could Sirius undo whatever put Lupin in that trance? The silver bell triggered it, but what brought the man out of it ...?

Cassidy got up from her sitting spot and went over to her brother. Her eyes narrowed and a low growl escaped from her throat.

"What do you want, Cassidy?" Cody asked angrily.

She dived in and clamped down upon his leg.

"Dammit!" Cody's trigger finger slipped as he was knocked off-balance.

_Bang!_

The second shot caused an panic among the mentally shifted.

The cat was screeching and the several bird creatures started flapping their wings and running about the room.

"Eee! Eeee! Eeeeeee!" The monkey man crashed into a large woman bovine.

"Moooooo!" She charged, heading toward the locked door. The human primate got there first and jumped up and down, trying to get at the door.

"Halt! Halt, I say!" Cody yelled, but no one listened. Cassidy bit into the man's hand and he screamed, dropping the rifle. Sirius took this chance to grabbed the Muggle weapon and called Remus to him. "C'mon, boy!" he said.

Lupin looked at him quizzically, so Black just grabbed at his shirt front and pulled him along. "We gotta get out!"

Heading to the door, he pushed the stout man out of the way and forced it open. The rain had toned down to a light drizzle now, and at the open entrance, every C.R.A.P. member instantly escaped out of the door into the street. A few cars steered out of control and crashed as a result of the self-induced hypnotists and soon shouts and car honks filled the air. Black discreetly led Remus out the other direction, heading to the back streets. Soon, they made their way out of the West End, heading toward the City.

"We are getting out of London," Sirius said immediately the moment he knew they were safe. "I don't care about what Dumbledore says, we're heading to Hogwarts and changing you back."

Lupin just looked up at him, his tongue falling out of his mouth. His jumped up and licked Sirius in the face, knocking him down into an alley.

"Down, Remus, down!" Black shouted. Lupin playfully slobbered on Sirius' face. Sirius lifted his head and put out an arm to push him back. Unexpectedly, they bumped heads. Even more unexpectedly, their lips met.

Remus' vision focused and he blinked. Then they both realized their sudden position.

"Arghhh!" Lupin recoiled. "What happened?"

Sirius got up, wiping a hand over his mouth. "Well, I'll be damned," he said, shaking his head. He gave a lopsided grin at his friend. "We might as well get back to Hogwarts, Moony. I don't think we should hang around here any longer."

"But- but what happened?" Lupin said, confused. He followed Sirius out of the alleyway and back to the sidewalk. "Where's Cody? And all those other shifters?"

"Don't ask." 

A white van passed them on the road, with several strange animal noises coming from inside. Sirius watched the van pass without surprise. "Really, just don't ask."

Then an omnibus drove by, crowded with tourists. A faint sound echoed in the air. Sirius lifted his head. No, it couldn't be...

_Ding ding._

"Oh God, Remus..." Sirius turned to see Lupin down on all fours, loping as fast as he could after the bus.

"Rowf! Rowf!" he bellowed joyfully. 

"Wait!" Black exclaimed, running after him. "Sit! Heel! Stay! Play dead!"

On the top deck of the omnibus, a woman wearing red robes leaned on the railing. A silver bell swung in her hand. Cassidy smiled to herself. Cody wasn't the only professional in hypnotism and fraud. After all, they were family.

_Ding ding._

"REMUS, COME BACK HERE!!!"

"Woof!"


End file.
